The Hardest Things

Confident enough by saying "I know what I'm doing" , but hell, it is not, i don't know what and why I was doing it. Damn.
"Others can do it, of course you can do it too right?" simple sentence has brilliant meaning but has none feeling for me
.
Fighting with my own ego, keep telling myself that I'm doing the right things, yes I'm doing the right things (yeah.. I' m not killing robbing or molesting people Dahhhh stupid).
But it just didn't work sometimes. The problem is I'M SCARE!!!!!
What the hell I'm scare of huh? I DON'T KNOW...

This is the most pathetic moment when you stand in the middle of no where and confusedly convincing yourself that you are in the right path and you should just continue to walk even your HEART has a big hesitate to do it.

Oh geez... I think this blog will fill with all of my junks.
- I don't like knocking on people door at night
- I don't like to beg people for donation
- I don't like people slam the door in front of me
- I don't like working at night, I'm damn freaking scare of dark!!!
- I don't like those stupid citizen stare and scold me like I'm a bugger (What the #$#%$, I can even buy your HDB if i want. That's my ego tell me when I stress out)

I know, I know this is a process. Just sometimes I cant take it, I really cant bare with it. I hate forcing myself do things that I don't like. Now, I'm really pushing myself to do it. Don't know where is the limit but hopefully my limit is unlimited.

Up and Down

Last few days felt fascinating, today feel empty, tomorrow may be excited.
Easy to get motivated, pretty easy to fall down as well.
Try not to complain too much, try to think positively all the time, try to show the capabilities to others. It sound easy but yet complicated.
Full of hope yesterday, disappointed today, unpredictable tomorrow.
Thought perhaps hormone change causes sadness, doubt it though.

Jealousy and selfishness lead wind become thunder.
Simple things get worse because of simple 'thing'.
Your closest one might be your enemy, your enemy might end up be your buddy.
Setting a goal may give better direction; without a clear direction, how to set a goal?
All creatures have a dream, will the dream come true? or will it be just hang around your mind?

Love what I'm doing now, will love more if know what I will do for tomorrow.
Promise is a hope, what happen if a promise just be the promise?
Not regret really no regret on what's going on now....
It just freaking hard...
Out there tried to motivate, it works though but it wont last, it just like a wind pass by, as fast as clicking the mouse.

Instead of sympathy, prefer to receive normal treatment from audiences.
Sue really knows what she is doing now, so just let her do.

Finding New Life

Been working for 1 week, not really officially working though, just training. Just a week, yah just 6 days training, I keep asking myself alot and alot of questions. I really dont know where to find the answers. I'm tired asking people opinions. It is my decision, I have to bare with it.

Actually it wasnt that bad. So far I came back from training with satisfaction and happy feeling. Just today, I feel a little bit down. I know the reason why I felt that way though. I try to motivate myself to be strong and dont concern too much on small matters. I tried, but cant. Still, small problem is still a matter for me, I cant let it go... hikz.

This morning Liza sms and asked me to join her b'day lunch on wednesday. Gosh, I cant go because I have courses that need to attend. Felt bad then promised her to have lunch together on friday instead. Then, Ci Feny asked me to come over to her place to have dinner on friday nite to celebrate Rafael's b'day, I cant go neither because I got seminar that is a 'must' and cant be cancelled.

Its bad , pretty bad. I know my lifestyle wont be same as before. Perhaps I just need to adapt and make some adjustment with it. I really scare on failing and giving up before I see any result. I hope I wont do any stupid mistake eh!

Counting Time

Passed all the tests, but the excitement has gone. Dont feel excited anymore like few weeks ago before the tests. Start work immediately, no problem, ... if they allowed me to have break, even better. As you know insurance people are 'pushy". Ooppss... I become one of them soon, die lah.....

My bad feeling towards this job:
- No more nice + 'siau' colleagues
- No more online chatting
- No more 9 - 6 working hours
- No more gym, gym and gym
- Must wear SUPER formal
- Hot hot hot + perspire + sticky eeww!!!
- Make-up is a MUST arghhhh
- Working hours weird, 2 -10 pm
- Colleague should be suckx too (i guess)
- Customer might be nasty
- Prefer me to speak mandarin, aiyo.. my mandarin like nasi campur, Mandarin + indon+hokkien+english. You think the clients will understand what I said? hohohohohoho

( so far these are the bad things that I can think of it, I will up date u all after I joined them)
Erghh... seems like I got a mission to be an undercover to find out how bad is the company instead of joining them for good reason hahahahhahahha. Whatever lah!

Then, why i decide to join them?... ??????...???? good question, why ah?
hmnnn.... 'may be' yah 'perhaps', Im just curious and I got feeling that I will learn something new from them, even I'm not sure if I can even sell 1 policy in 1 month or not hehehehehehe. Yah, I just want to know how this business works, it might be fun though. But the tests are NOT fun at all.

If I faield, I might think of be a property agent hahahhahaha.

Not Good Not Good

The tests almost make me crazy. 3 tests, failed 2, retaken 1 finally passed. This Tuesday has to retake another one. Exhausted =(

Next week is my last day with HP and Xcellink though. Well, actually from the 1st day I worked until now, Im not sure whether I belong to HP or Xcellink, whatever.... Will be having a nice last lunch with my colleagues at Holland V. A bit sad living them too =(

I started have a bit pessimist thinking eh. Am I making a right decision ``` blurrr``` yeah, that's me, thats what people say 'plin plan + nga ada pendirian yg kuat' sigh... Perhaps these 3 tests make me sick of it. Cant give up though, have been sacrifice too much, at least must give it a try (die die also have to try lah hahahaha, i learn new words in Spore). I give myself 6 months =) and I hope it enough to show if i'm capable or not.

Actually i dont really have a good reason why I join this company. Really, I dont know...
What am I doing eh? It seems like a dream, i made a huge changes only in a month i guess. Changes that I'm not even sure for it. Aiiihhhhh..... Really need an emotional support and a good guidance, wish Dalai Lama will visit Spore one day. =D

MC = Study

I passed my resignation letter to my manager. Surprisingly, he didnt shock w/ my decision, in fact he has expected I will leave the company soon =). He is the best manager that i knew (well he is my 1st manager too hehehe), he gave alot of advices for me to move on. He say "Its not a bad new, its a good new for me and you. Im really happy to see my staffs find out whatever right for themselves. You have to work really hard, if can you have to work 7 days a week for the first 6 months then you will see the result. Wish you all the best k'." Thanks Richard, for you support!!!

These few days very exhausted, has been studying for days and still, still alot, Hikzx. Luckily I got 2 days MC. No, I wasnt sick. I had a procedure done for my face treatment called chemical peeling treatment. The effect for the treatment pretty bad. I felt burning in my face, alot of burn scar and red mark. Somehow look like sun tan, but look more like skin diseases =( .
I went back to the doctor and he gave me 2 days MC =). Just right timing to study eh.

Overall got 3 exams that held on 15, 19 and 22 June. I better do it right. I cant imagine if i failed one of them sigh..... If I passed ( i will pass =)) I will join the company by beginning of next month. Got to go back to study now aih.....

Move On

I'm going to give my resignation letter tomorrow. A bit nervous, but I have already set my mind. Whatever reason, i will give it a try. I bet there isnt any good life for me in the future job. Forget about msn chatting and fav youtube, I dont think i have time to see my dear roomates. Dudes.. gosip gosip waktu dinner bakal berkurang nih... hikz...

Actually I've sacrificed alot for this job. I will resign before my contract end, no year end bonus, no sweet colleagues and no funny manager. I got to pay for the MOCK exam (I have to pass this test before enter to their business) and cost me $291.60, not cheap though. I stop my japanese class with an excuse got to prepare for the month end Mock exam (i know its nothing related, stupid excuses). It means that my japanese tuition fees just walk away with an old blind man. Sigh***

I need your helps dudes, next time if I planned to learn anything, you all please stop me before i do it half way, please! For my own good and you all too. Because you will hear less complain and nag from me LOL.