The Secret Keeper

I dont ask for it may be I shouldnt know about it.

When people told a secret, should I proud of myself by being the most trustable person in the world or should I hate that person by putting more burden into my life?

Both, yes, I did feel both way. Sometimes I might feel "Wow, they trust me so much till this kind of secret also tell me!" But sometimes "I dont feel like knowing all that nonsense, its non of my business."

The good thing by being a Secret keeper:
1. You know the most update gossip, yeah fresh from oven, faster than CNN.
2. Most of the times, you will amaze by the fact that you would never think of it.
3. Proud! As people trust me and they come to me for advice.
4. Know the whole story as both parties come and tell you from each of their point of view. (Most of the times I was surprise on myself on how wise the advice that I gave to both parties *wink =)

But the drawback:
1. Affected my emotion most of the times. The secrets become part of my problem after that.
2. It hurt so much when the secret is related to ME! I wish to never know about it.
3. Being hate by the "secret teller's" best friend as the best friend thought I took away their friendship. As the "secret teller" told me everything, now I become the new best friend of the "secret teller". What the..... Primary school scandal eh!

I'm so thankful that they trusted me so much, really appreicate it. But honestly, sometimes truths hurt.

I rather not to know how much you or others get the bonus or increment.
Before I knew it, I felt proud of myself, my performance and my rewards.
After you told me everything, I feel real stupid. The truth just run around my head and it hurts me so much.

It hurts when other side of people think I cant be trusted and people have to be careful with me.
I never asked for it, people come and tell me by themselves, then what you want me to do? Tell me what you want me to do!
You just jealous because no one trusted YOU, no one come to tell you the story, PATHETIC of you!

Decide Now!!!

Change Job?
- Love Citi as much as hate the boss.

Move Out?
- Where? With who? * sigh....

My wish list:
- Stay with Citi but transfer to other department, nice boss, nice colleagues. Want to join HR-Recruitment department if I have given a chance.
- Move out find nearer location with office. Morning shift is alright, but come to afternoon shift, it is freaking crazy. Chasing the last train and running from the office to the MRT station. Really a nightmare!

Please fulfill one of my wish!
Either one will do.....

Shame on Myself....

I hold the letter...
One sincere apology from stranger, it changed my decision...
Shame on me....

I HATE her, really dont how long I can bare with it.
Do I need the job? YES
Do I need the pay? Yes
Can I work with the colleagues? YES
Can I face my boss? Hell NO
Do I want to see her owl face? Ohhh God, please send her back to her "world"

Cant even want to see her face, how to work under her.... ohh Hell!!!!
Belle, if your read this.... "Fucking Biatchh" is too nice for her....

Shame on me.... *sigh.....

Meet my end, again!!!

That's it now.
I do hate myself on the decision, but I love myself most of the time.

My tolerance level is very low. My pride is too high.
The only way to solve it is to be PATIENT, instead, I choose to END it.

I was hurt, tired and still HATE her so much.

I have no plan, i just want to leave that place, its been year and half and I never have a glad feeling towards her, instead my hate feeling toward her is growing. I'm going to kill myself first before she died.

These two days is just like hell!
The frustration, anger, depression and confusion are there.
Keep telling myself cool down, try to think in lateral way.
What the hell, I dont even know what is Lateral thinking.

I know I have made a wrong decision in this time, but I just want to end it!

New Worries

The meeting with Susan went well. I reachedto her training place early so she invited me to join the training session on "Presentation Skill". Quite fun though'

Initially I was thinking to have drink with her, but she prefers to have slow walk to MRT station, I didnt mind. I told her how's my work, which i didnt mention the main reason is my boss. I told her that there are some changing of the department structure wich I dont think I like it.

During our walk and talk, she did some shoppings at Body Shop, funny right? I tried not to be ackward though hihihi.

Ok, continue the talk. She awared that I cant do sales and I have difficulties in talking to strangers. So RM is OUT!!!
She say "How about Marketing?"
But I dont think I really suit Marketing, so I didnt response much, in fact, I mentioned about HR.
Once the 'HR word' came from my mouth, Susan's face turned bright.
"That's what in my mind too, that's what I wanna say to you."
Well, from there onwards, we talked about HR thingy.
On thing that I caught from the conversation was, she never mentioned about change company, she told me that Citi is a good company. But why all the senior directors left Citi?

Now my worries:
- The earliest I can escape from the hell is mid of March next year.
- If I'm lucky, i will get transfer immediately by that time *doubt so!
- Dont know if my boss will give good referal?
- Whether HR side has opening? If not, then have to stay on....
- How long I have to stay with this boss if all the above never happened?
- Arghhhh!!!

No solid answer, uncertainty pretty much!

Anyway, we end the conversation at City Hall mrt and sure we will keep in touch :).

Thanks Sue.

Am I really met an Angel?

Past 2 days I attended Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills training course which my company assigned me to go.
Basically the course was about to find out whether you are Extrovert, Introvert, Sensing, Intuitive, Thinking, Feeling, Judgement or Perceptive. If you want to find out more about it, go google it :).
My result was ISFJ, so I am Introvert, Sensing, Felling and Judgement.

Well, the most surprising thing that happened to my life was I became more Extrovert in the class that I have ever realized. I talked, argued and expressed myself in the class like no one business. I felt like I'm not Sue and instead Jae is in my body. (oh Jae oh...)
Whole class was complaining that I shouldnt belong to Introvert group because I talked to much. But the result proved that I am Introvert.

I was amazed by myself and I love myself I really do LOVE myself in these 2 days. BUT... after the course I feel something missing now, i dont want to go back to old SUE, I feel that new SUE will have much more excitement and happier.
(Am I weird, or has anyone experience the same thing as me?)

During the course, we were asked to write problem that we are facing currently, so the whole class will discuss and solve it. So, why wait? this is the biggest opportunity to write down our 'heartless' boss issue.
Unfortunately, not even my trainer can solve it, she just said "I think your boss need love, just show your love to her Sue, I believe that Love can cure her" Oh Gosh...... what a compassionate advice.

After the class, i really feel something missing in my life. I scare, confuse, curious, and hunger for more advices. So, I decided to email my trainer (I dont know where I get my gut.)
Here the email that I sent out.

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Dear Susan,
I just want to say thank you very much for these two days ;).
I was amazed on the theory that is so true about people personality which I never realized before.
I was also so amazed of myself, which I have never talked or expressed myself so much in the past 27 years (in front of many people).
I felt like I'm NOT Sue for these 2 days. Just curious, is it because of the course that encourage me to talk? or I have a different personality?
Anyway, I really love and proud of myself for these 2 days. Now I worry that I will come back to my 'real' self.

Susan, I have a question regarding my work and my personality (ISFJ).
I dont feel happy with my current job, and plan to look for other thing, but honestly I dont know where to go.
I did try sales (insurance agent) previously, not only fail but I still feel trauma with that job experience.

But dont know why, now I feel like taking RM (Relationship Manager) job which obviously involve sales most of the time too. But on the other hand, I scare of failure again.

Susan, do you have any advice for it? I just dont want to waste times anymore by trying trial and error.I just wish that I will get the proper one and stick with it, abit selfish eh! I know everybody will wish for the same ;)

Anyway, Thank you again for such a amazing course.

Regards,
Sue

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And 10 minutes later SHE REPLIED.....

Here the reply:

Hi Sue
My friends and family call me Sue - so we have the same name!
I'm glad that this course has helped you to love yourself - I was very impressed by you! : )
Happy to have a drink with you some time about career moves. Let me know where your office is and I'll figure out a time. If you're in Millennia, I'm there next week, so we could meet up and chat.
Do let me know.
Warm wishes
Sue
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I was so touch, I dont know when was the last time I met KIND person.
Dont called me Sue if you think that I didnt cry when received the reply LOL.

I hope she will guide me or at least give some advices.
**** speechless****

Friends or friends

Actually I kinda miss them but now I'm abit angry, piss off and confuse.

Yeah, we were friends last time then all lost contact but with the magic of facebook, we all reunite. I miss all of them when someone posted our primary graduation picture, we all look innocent, ugly and small hahhaaha.

Well, we plan to have a reunion, but some of us just impossible to join in a short notice.
Since I'm going back for short holiday, I msn-ed one of my friend, here was the conversation;
M: Alo Lin, pa kabar?
E: baik, lu gimana?
M: baik...
E: Lu kok tiap kali pulang nga perna kontek2 sih, somse deh lu, padahal tiap kali ketemu mama lu, wa titip salam lo.
M: (What the hell) kok kalian begitu sih ngomong nya, makanya wa males mau ketemua sama kalian, blm ketemu aja suda di bilang sombong, wong ketemu kalian aja baru sekarang ini di facebook.
E: kan kita tinggal sekampung, kalo mau cari wa kan gampang aja.
E: hahahhaha rupanya takut sama kita toh hahaha
M: (is that funny? I dont think it is funny tho'!!)
E: makanya lain kali plng cari2 kita dong.
M: (I will NEVER contact u anymore.... then I ignored the whole conversation until she offline)

Gosh... my fault now? I believe I'm not the only one experience this kind of friend or am I?
Actually the purpose of me calling her in the msn to tell her that I'm going back soon, may be can meet up with other old Friends, but now... forget about it. I dont want my short holiday being ruin by all of them bombarding me "lu kok sombong banget si...."
The funnier moment, some friends who I didnt close with during school time can say out this sentence too "Asien sombong deh". The first thing cross in my mind "Were I close to you during school time? Did we ever talk?" Ridiculous!

Friends are hard to please!