Shame on Myself....

I hold the letter...
One sincere apology from stranger, it changed my decision...
Shame on me....

I HATE her, really dont how long I can bare with it.
Do I need the job? YES
Do I need the pay? Yes
Can I work with the colleagues? YES
Can I face my boss? Hell NO
Do I want to see her owl face? Ohhh God, please send her back to her "world"

Cant even want to see her face, how to work under her.... ohh Hell!!!!
Belle, if your read this.... "Fucking Biatchh" is too nice for her....

Shame on me.... *sigh.....

Meet my end, again!!!

That's it now.
I do hate myself on the decision, but I love myself most of the time.

My tolerance level is very low. My pride is too high.
The only way to solve it is to be PATIENT, instead, I choose to END it.

I was hurt, tired and still HATE her so much.

I have no plan, i just want to leave that place, its been year and half and I never have a glad feeling towards her, instead my hate feeling toward her is growing. I'm going to kill myself first before she died.

These two days is just like hell!
The frustration, anger, depression and confusion are there.
Keep telling myself cool down, try to think in lateral way.
What the hell, I dont even know what is Lateral thinking.

I know I have made a wrong decision in this time, but I just want to end it!

New Worries

The meeting with Susan went well. I reachedto her training place early so she invited me to join the training session on "Presentation Skill". Quite fun though'

Initially I was thinking to have drink with her, but she prefers to have slow walk to MRT station, I didnt mind. I told her how's my work, which i didnt mention the main reason is my boss. I told her that there are some changing of the department structure wich I dont think I like it.

During our walk and talk, she did some shoppings at Body Shop, funny right? I tried not to be ackward though hihihi.

Ok, continue the talk. She awared that I cant do sales and I have difficulties in talking to strangers. So RM is OUT!!!
She say "How about Marketing?"
But I dont think I really suit Marketing, so I didnt response much, in fact, I mentioned about HR.
Once the 'HR word' came from my mouth, Susan's face turned bright.
"That's what in my mind too, that's what I wanna say to you."
Well, from there onwards, we talked about HR thingy.
On thing that I caught from the conversation was, she never mentioned about change company, she told me that Citi is a good company. But why all the senior directors left Citi?

Now my worries:
- The earliest I can escape from the hell is mid of March next year.
- If I'm lucky, i will get transfer immediately by that time *doubt so!
- Dont know if my boss will give good referal?
- Whether HR side has opening? If not, then have to stay on....
- How long I have to stay with this boss if all the above never happened?
- Arghhhh!!!

No solid answer, uncertainty pretty much!

Anyway, we end the conversation at City Hall mrt and sure we will keep in touch :).

Thanks Sue.

Am I really met an Angel?

Past 2 days I attended Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills training course which my company assigned me to go.
Basically the course was about to find out whether you are Extrovert, Introvert, Sensing, Intuitive, Thinking, Feeling, Judgement or Perceptive. If you want to find out more about it, go google it :).
My result was ISFJ, so I am Introvert, Sensing, Felling and Judgement.

Well, the most surprising thing that happened to my life was I became more Extrovert in the class that I have ever realized. I talked, argued and expressed myself in the class like no one business. I felt like I'm not Sue and instead Jae is in my body. (oh Jae oh...)
Whole class was complaining that I shouldnt belong to Introvert group because I talked to much. But the result proved that I am Introvert.

I was amazed by myself and I love myself I really do LOVE myself in these 2 days. BUT... after the course I feel something missing now, i dont want to go back to old SUE, I feel that new SUE will have much more excitement and happier.
(Am I weird, or has anyone experience the same thing as me?)

During the course, we were asked to write problem that we are facing currently, so the whole class will discuss and solve it. So, why wait? this is the biggest opportunity to write down our 'heartless' boss issue.
Unfortunately, not even my trainer can solve it, she just said "I think your boss need love, just show your love to her Sue, I believe that Love can cure her" Oh Gosh...... what a compassionate advice.

After the class, i really feel something missing in my life. I scare, confuse, curious, and hunger for more advices. So, I decided to email my trainer (I dont know where I get my gut.)
Here the email that I sent out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Susan,
I just want to say thank you very much for these two days ;).
I was amazed on the theory that is so true about people personality which I never realized before.
I was also so amazed of myself, which I have never talked or expressed myself so much in the past 27 years (in front of many people).
I felt like I'm NOT Sue for these 2 days. Just curious, is it because of the course that encourage me to talk? or I have a different personality?
Anyway, I really love and proud of myself for these 2 days. Now I worry that I will come back to my 'real' self.

Susan, I have a question regarding my work and my personality (ISFJ).
I dont feel happy with my current job, and plan to look for other thing, but honestly I dont know where to go.
I did try sales (insurance agent) previously, not only fail but I still feel trauma with that job experience.

But dont know why, now I feel like taking RM (Relationship Manager) job which obviously involve sales most of the time too. But on the other hand, I scare of failure again.

Susan, do you have any advice for it? I just dont want to waste times anymore by trying trial and error.I just wish that I will get the proper one and stick with it, abit selfish eh! I know everybody will wish for the same ;)

Anyway, Thank you again for such a amazing course.

Regards,
Sue

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And 10 minutes later SHE REPLIED.....

Here the reply:

Hi Sue
My friends and family call me Sue - so we have the same name!
I'm glad that this course has helped you to love yourself - I was very impressed by you! : )
Happy to have a drink with you some time about career moves. Let me know where your office is and I'll figure out a time. If you're in Millennia, I'm there next week, so we could meet up and chat.
Do let me know.
Warm wishes
Sue
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was so touch, I dont know when was the last time I met KIND person.
Dont called me Sue if you think that I didnt cry when received the reply LOL.

I hope she will guide me or at least give some advices.
**** speechless****

Friends or friends

Actually I kinda miss them but now I'm abit angry, piss off and confuse.

Yeah, we were friends last time then all lost contact but with the magic of facebook, we all reunite. I miss all of them when someone posted our primary graduation picture, we all look innocent, ugly and small hahhaaha.

Well, we plan to have a reunion, but some of us just impossible to join in a short notice.
Since I'm going back for short holiday, I msn-ed one of my friend, here was the conversation;
M: Alo Lin, pa kabar?
E: baik, lu gimana?
M: baik...
E: Lu kok tiap kali pulang nga perna kontek2 sih, somse deh lu, padahal tiap kali ketemu mama lu, wa titip salam lo.
M: (What the hell) kok kalian begitu sih ngomong nya, makanya wa males mau ketemua sama kalian, blm ketemu aja suda di bilang sombong, wong ketemu kalian aja baru sekarang ini di facebook.
E: kan kita tinggal sekampung, kalo mau cari wa kan gampang aja.
E: hahahhaha rupanya takut sama kita toh hahaha
M: (is that funny? I dont think it is funny tho'!!)
E: makanya lain kali plng cari2 kita dong.
M: (I will NEVER contact u anymore.... then I ignored the whole conversation until she offline)

Gosh... my fault now? I believe I'm not the only one experience this kind of friend or am I?
Actually the purpose of me calling her in the msn to tell her that I'm going back soon, may be can meet up with other old Friends, but now... forget about it. I dont want my short holiday being ruin by all of them bombarding me "lu kok sombong banget si...."
The funnier moment, some friends who I didnt close with during school time can say out this sentence too "Asien sombong deh". The first thing cross in my mind "Were I close to you during school time? Did we ever talk?" Ridiculous!

Friends are hard to please!

Stress Dinner

ACE winner, the prize was supposed go to Bali this year, but due to crisis, company cut down the prize to "Expensive Dinner".
I knew it wont turn well *sigh...

Before the D day, I was stressed enough when I found out only me and boss would attend the dinner. But anyway still have "Boss" at least she will do all the talking with 'those' other bosses.
On the D day itself, I almost fainted when I found out that she wont attend the dinner but nicely will escort me to the restaurant (only located behind my office building) and introduce me to 'those' bosses. What the.... If giving a choice I better sick and sleep at home.

My colleagues and friends gave me courage and told me to take the opportunity to network with other bosses. Yeah, that was the only notion that I bought to the dinner.
When I first saw my crowd through the outside of the restaurant glass door, I was like.... WHAT?!! Is this what they call "Expensive Dinner?" with BOSSES?
They was sitting at the long table, total 8 people with me. 5 including me are the winners and 3 are VP people.
Well, as my expectation before the dinner was "THE DINNER IS TO CELEBRATE ACE WINNERS" and 5 of us should be the attention of the night. Am I right to say that?

Well, tell you about the dinner conversation later. Anyway, the dinner is buffet, it was not bad, I love the cakes. I did not have the appetite for the food, so after salad I went to dessert directly. They did question me, but WHO CARESSSSS!
Well, the conversation itself is all between 'them' senior people. They talked about 10 years 15 years ago, how the working life was like heaven, who was their boss, bla bla bla....
They mentioned on what type of people should come to buffet, who shouldnt (I think the subject is me hahaha, from salad to cake, skipping the main). Talked about drive from Johor to Singapore, pass immigration, fight with officer and all the traffic.

HELLLLOOOOO..... What am I doing there? Why they invited me (I mean 'us') if the topic is all about traffic, 15 years of nostalgia, oh yah, did I mention before that they didnt even "CONGRATS" us? Yup, they didnt.
And, one of the lame lady (I called her lame coz I dont understand high level people), asked me whether I want to leave first for twice without any reason. I swear I never yawn!!! Indeed, I tried to put on my best smile to show my interest on their lame topic urgghhh...

First time she asked me was around 9 pm, but I pretend didnt hear it.
Second time she say again "Sue, its ok if you want to leave first"
Then I say " Oh, ok. Then I go first yah. Thank you for the dinner (try to give my best smile). Good night all, nice to meet you all, bye bye". Then I walked out and flagged cab.

Good thing, I go home early, weird thing why she ask me to leave for twice. *Sigh.... maybe she was nice to ask me go home and rest, but other hand, I think quite offensive (Actually I'm the only stranger there, the other 4 winners are from same department so they know each other).
Anyway, its finished! I dont really care actually. I miss DEREK alot, if he was still be our regional Head, the dinner would be different. Hikx....
Now I'm waiting for my USD150 shopping voucher, certificate and trophy. I hope the trophy is nice, I should and deserve to get something better to balance up with that bad dinner experience. *sigh... Win also stress.... how then?!

What am I Good At?

I love to make card...
Yes, bought papers, accessories, 3 type of glues, etc. Started browsing Internet for inspiration, bought new diary to note down the ideas, got new folder for my papers.
Plan: Gotta make the card and sell it online.


I love to embroidery my singlet...
Bought 1 dozen of plain singlet and sent it over from home town.
Plan: After finished, will try to sell it online.


Result: FAIL
Not only wasting my money, now all of the raw materials are sleepng inside my rack and wardrobe.
What a bloody plan %$^#)!@
So far, only 1 singlet done; few cards done, but gave out for friends' bday, my ideas only visited the new diary once (to be exact, only 1 page).... *speechless


What am I good at and how can I turn that into business?

Last night after dinner with Risha and Nadia, I suggested on how to handle tough question for Risha's future job interview, Nadia say "Sue, why dont you try to apply consultation job"

Oh dear... if that how simple life is, no more jobless people in this society already.
** Wish you find a job soon, Nad!


However, sometimes I love Tracy's idea "Sue, you dont have to be good at anything, just go and find rich husband lah" LOL.
My boss has ever said "I dont mind to be his 7th wife if he is Prince Dubai" 2nd LOL.
Even my compassion-less plus hopeless boss agreed with it, then married rich husband is sure WORK!


Current job is alright, just recently keep thinking where should I go after 2 years? I dont really want to do same thing again and I dont see any career enhancement in this department. Browsing Saturday recruitment session wasnt helping at all. Either I go back to same job scope or I start all over from the bottom.

Starting own business? Oh yeah... who dont want? When capital enough and opportunity come.. sure will grab it! But when? GOD knows.....


IF got money, I will buy alot alot of houses and I will rent it out for investment. IF I got 10 houses and every year get return of 5 percent each house, I will be damn rich. IF plus I got super duper smart financial planner who can double my wealth every year, I can then beat Bill Gate. IF everything 'sui sui' run as the plan then I will retire at 35.......

But the problem is TOO MUCH IFFFFFFFF!!!!

Wake up lah darling! Haiz....

Udah ah, pembantunya lagi potong bawang... satu ruma bau bawang, blm lagi mataku perih... penyiksaan emang.